God, what do you want from me?

This is the question I asked God this past Tuesday. It has been two years since my last ministry posting and I am still waiting for another one. I have gone through the interview .process with a few churches only to find out they wanted someone else. I have applied to several churches who didn't even give me an interview. One church sent me a card in the mail saying they were moving on to another candidate. I didn't even know I was a candidate for them, considering they didn't even contact me for an interview. 

So after I got off the phone Tuesday from another church telling me they went with someone else, I vented my frustrations with God. I "feel" stuck. I "feel" like these past two years have been wasted. I "feel" like my life really isn't going anywhere. I am working a part-time job that isn't even in my field. I am stuck with a massive student loan because I pursued my call to ministry. God has given me gifts, preaching and teaching talents and a passion, that I feel that hasn't been really getting used these past two years. I "feel" overlooked by churches. I "feel" like I have been spinning my wheels in ministry for 10 years now. I "feel" like I have chosen what I wanted to do instead of pursuing God's calling. My family and I are struggling financially. We live in a two bedroom apartment with three kids. So I asked God, "what do you want from me?"

If you are like me, when you ask God these types of questions, you kind of already know the answer. I don't know if we ask these questions, only to expect him to say something different or we ask the questions because we don't want to do what we know we need to do. I know the answer. As I was venting my frustrations that day, God was telling me that I have placed a high value on ministry and not on him. I made ministry an idol. They say an idol is anything you think about the most. Ministry occupies my mind because I am constantly wondering when will I get back "in". So what is the answer? God wants my heart.

He cares more about my heart and my relationship with Him than what I could do for him in ministry. He wants my heart to be occupied with Him and focused on Him instead of worrying when my next preaching opportunity will be or when will I be a pastor of a church again. Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your strength and all your might." I can do all these great things for God. I can preach and teach my heart out. I can write all the blogs I want. I could be a pastor of a church, but if God doesn't have my heart then I am robbing myself of the greatest need which is God himself.

One of the verses I have highlighted in my Bible is 1 Samuel 15:22. It says "Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams." This is God's response to King Saul when he defied what God asked him to do and took it upon himself to offer sacrifices which Kings weren't supposed to do. King Saul, was more focused on his "doing" for God instead of allowing God to have his heart. This caused him to disobey and not listen to what the LORD asked of Him. As a result, God rejected Saul as king.

This verse still applies to us today. It applies to me and the situation I find myself in. I am going through a very difficult season of waiting on the LORD and his time. If God doesn't have my heart, then I won't be quick to obey and listen and instead take matters into my own hands which is something I am tempted to do a lot. However, when I do allow God to occupy my heart, I find it easier to trust him and obey him even when it is hard and I don't see what he is doing. Unlike Saul, none of us are at risk of being rejected as King, but we are at risk of losing all that God has for us if we resist Him and do our own thing.

God returns our question with a question of his own.
The question that God has put back on me this week, and this isn't the first time he has done this, is this: Is he enough for me? Is he enough for me even if he doesn't put me back in ministry? The answer for me is yes, but the answer scares me greatly because it leaves me with a lot of unknowns. What will I do then? What will my job be? Will I ever get out of debt? Will I be working on the production line forever? Were my 7 years of university and previous years of ministry a waste of time or was it all meant to bring me closer to him? This is where trust comes in. I need to trust God with all these unknowns and believe he knows whats best for me, what glorifies him and benefits others. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Does God have your heart?
You may not be in ministry, but maybe you have been asking God the same question I asked him this week. He is giving you the same answer; he wants your heart. Does he have your heart? Maybe pastoral ministry isn't what occupies your heart and mind like it has for me, but what is? Maybe your heart has been occupied with money, anxiety, sex, a specific sin, work, children, your spouse or a certain relationship. God wants your heart because our ultimate joy is found in him. When he has your heart you will be quicker to trust him, to put things in their proper place and resist sin in your life.

Dear Christian, may this post find you well and may you press into Jesus so that you may become all that he desires you to be. May he have our hearts more and more each day as we walk with him.

Sincerely,

Josh Dorey